“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
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*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
NASA has no chill
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.