Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
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If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no