bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
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Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*