I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
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You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.