1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
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Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Morning my dudes.