Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
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Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both