The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
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Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
The 4 stages of a family vacation
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My eldest is at the age where she’s starting to ask questions. Tonight she started asking about Father Christmas. My wife calmly took her to another room to answer, leaving me with her younger siblings. We couldn’t hear so I still don’t know what’s up. Hope Santa is OK
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
AM I BEING GASLIT????
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry