ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
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[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.