Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
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Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。