In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
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FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I hate when that happens.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets