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Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti