Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
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My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Never let them know your next move 😂
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
something like this could probably happen to anyone
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.