I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
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*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No