*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
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Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Bed should get ready for ME
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.