me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
You Might Also Like
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
“you recording!?”
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.