“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
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COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?