Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
You Might Also Like
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.