The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
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I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Ooh I do like a good funnel
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.