Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
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Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.