People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
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Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Hmm, not sure about this change
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.