ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
You Might Also Like
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
My favorite farside!!
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”