When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
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Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
accurate
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
when dads have a rap battle
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Got ya covered
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF