Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
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I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.