In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
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Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
thank god
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on