One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
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[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.