My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
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Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow