You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
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If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..