Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
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When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
This a good idea
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing