I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
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“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you鈥檙e just some guy
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You鈥檙e doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He鈥檚 been driving for the last hour
[when we鈥檙e a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 馃槀
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
The worst place to be quote tweeted鈥ivorce Papers
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota