If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
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“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
No chill.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”