Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
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The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
whatcha thinkin bout
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
when nothing goes right… go left
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys