Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
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Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out