remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
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My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Taliband
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.