i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
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umm…
The internet is magic sometimes.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
That’s incredible! 👌
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Danger is very dangerous
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Oh, I bet you would be
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.