This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
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I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Good morning.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.