I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
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Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Spring of Deception
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…