You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
This why you should mind your business
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
$3 #books
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business