getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
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Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda