this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
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Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!