[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
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My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*