Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
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When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.