CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
You Might Also Like
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.