Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
You Might Also Like
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
My daily affirmation
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
wow
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.