ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
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If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Ooops wrong house😂😜
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*