Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
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Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars