ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
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europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
My beach vacation Google searches
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!