I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
You Might Also Like
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers