My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
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Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
I’m good, thanks.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.