If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
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– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Cool shirt 🙂
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Oh yeah that’s it
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT