Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
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Real House Wines.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Playdough smells better than other philosophers